You’ll Love This Doctor

Caution: Don’t read this without your sense of humor. It is certainly not intended to be construed as medial advise. We do not know the original source.  If you do, please point it out and we will cite it.  Thank you.

Q: Doctor,  I’ve heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that’s it…  don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source  of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?
A: No,  not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine, that means they take the water out of  the fruity so you  get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out  of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one  to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t  think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q:  Aren’t  fried  foods bad for you?
A:  YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …..  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather  to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one  hand – chocolate in  the other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO  HOO, What a  Ride’

AND…for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

AND REMEMBER:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ……’WOO HOO, What a Ride’